Things I'm Afraid To Tell You


I believe it all started with this insightful post by Jess of Make Under My Life.  Things I'm Afraid To Tell You.  This challenge has sprouted wings & taken off in the blogosphere.  There is something so freeing & comforting in reading these 'truths & fears' revealed by bloggers, most of whom I've admired for so long.  Now I just admire them that much more!

One of my favorite bloggers, Jennifer from Rambling Renovators said it best in this post:
      "It's all a well-curated version of reality, isn't it? This blogging thing?  Blogs have a way of inspiring you - but in the same breath, they can make you feel less worthy. That your life is less glamourous, less beautiful, less perfect than those you see through the lens of your screen. I know I'm guilty of it - showing you the perfectly styled bedroom - without showing you the (constant) mess I have in my drawers or the (constant) pile of laundry waiting to be put away in the corner."  

So perfectly & eloquently said.
And here I go:



1.  I get overwhelmed by blogging.  I waffle between craving blog fame & keeping this little blog humble.  I've been intermittently approached by vendors to take my blog to the next level, but I shyly turn most of them down.  Perhaps it's a fear of failure witnessed by the entire blog world or losing what little anonymity I have left?  As I watch a lot of my best blog buddies reach new, famed heights in their blogging,  I am elated (I know that blogger! She/he's famous!) but there's always that whiny, high-pitched voice that creeps in--the melancholy one that wonders of missed opportunities & worries my blog is never quite good enough.  In the spirit of total honesty, that voice is often tinged with envy.

2.  I had the baby blues.....severely.  I know I try to keep things light & funny around here.  After all, there are so many people out there who have it much worse than me.  I am an "emotions-bottle-upper".  Yes, I can whip out sarcasm like nobody's business but I am primarily an optimistic, positive, sunny person (albeit Type A to the core--see #6).
  I had a wonderful pregnancy, enjoyed every minute, & knew I was blessed beyond measure.  After Quinn was born, all those feel-good emotions & hormones plummeted.  Exhaustion aside, just the thought of yet another diaper change, feeding, soothing session, etc. was so overwhelming that there were days where my memory failed me.  I'm so ashamed to say this but I had fleeting thoughts of wanting my "old" life back.  How absolutely awful does that sound?  Horrible, I know, especially to those who would've gladly traded with me in a heartbeat (if you're rolling your eyes at me for this, I don't blame you & am prepared for the fallout of this post).
 After Mr. FC's paternity leave was up & every time the sun went down, I bawled my eyes out......there were times I'd cry in the shower just so my poor Hubs (who was a saint thru it all) couldn't see me.  I don't know if having a newborn in the winter months (when the days are so much shorter & gloomier, even here in 320+ sunny days Colorado) had any effect on my baby blues, but it was a long time before I could shake them. Edited to add: I think my breastfeeding difficulties also factored heavily into my baby blues.
  I had difficulty bonding with my daughter in the first month & I detested myself for it.  I thought it was the ultimate motherly sin.  I now look back on that time with regret that I wasn't truly present & savoring this beautiful, healthy baby girl we were blessed with.  Obviously, I've grown to embrace our "new normal" & can't imagine life without Quinn now--I love her more than my own life.  But I'd be remiss to say that it was all smooth sailing.  Note: I don't want to scare any expectant moms out there--this was just my experience & it's not at all indicative of how post-partum experiences are.

3. I'm guilty of lurking on blogs a lot these days--I've probably lurked on yours.  =]  I used to carve out time each day to comment on other people's blogs because I think it's rude to not do so when so many of you take the time to visit my tiny corner of the world.  But in my delirium these days, I've been slacking & breaking my own blog etiquette rules.....I sorta hate myself for it!!

4. I'm always nervous before hitting that Publish button on every post I've written.  There are many kind people out there, but I've gotten my fair share of negative feedback too (not just constructive criticism either).  I overthink everything & my blog posts are no different: Am I being humble enough? Too self-deprecating?  Do I really think anyone cares what I did last weekend? Are they sick of seeing my baby? Are they rolling their eyes at our decor choices? At my humor? Or my wine jokes & abundant strikethroughs?  I know, I know.......it's my blog & I can decide on the content but, I've always had this innate desire to please people.

5. I have a strained relationship with my dad (it's been like that pretty much my whole life).  We just don't get along.  We probably talk twice a year.  I've tried but when I always have to be the reasonable, grown-up person in our relationship, it's exhausting.  But the dynamics of why we butt heads is far more complex than that.  Life has not been kind to my dad & that misfortune has made him bitter, cruel & resentful.  I decided a long time ago that I (as well as my self-esteem) am happier if our interaction is minimal.  So suffice it to say when I see the adoration my husband has for our daughter & that she's daddy's little girl, my heart just hurts with happiness.

6. Being a Type A/neat freak/control freak/planner/list-maker, I've had to learn to let go ever since I became a mom.  Who knew one has to learn such a thing?!  Ridiculous.  When Quinn was 1 month old, our friend Jake said something that will always stick with us: "As a parent, things are no longer black & white.....you need to learn to live in the grey."  So true.

7. I wear yoga pants & a nursing tank 90% of the time (yes, I do leave the house most days but there are no wardrobe changes).  I'd love to blame this on my being a SAHM who also works part-time from home but.....I know SAHMs who look like they belong on the cover of VOGUE so I have no excuse. HA!


Have I lost you?  Scared you off? I think I've scared myself.  =]
This much is for sure: I feel a little lighter for having put all this out there.  
And for that, I thank you all for reading & "listening".

xoxo


87 comments:

  1. What a lovely post! Part of me wants to jump in and say 'wait!wait! those negative thoughts/experiences don't have to seem so traumatic - here's why....' but that really wouldn't acknowledge the reality of, um, your life. So thanks for being open and letting readers see another side of you :-)

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  2. Good for you for keeping it real.

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    1. Thx for the words of support, ladies!!!!

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  3. Ive read several of these "Im afraid to tell you" and so many just still don't seem that authentic, like really that's it!?!? But, I can tell yours came from the heart and I can really appreciate that.

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    1. Thx so much Kim! I tried to not edit myself in this post...both freeing & terrifying. =]

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  4. The nice thing about having a poorly read blog is there is no pressure!

    Sharing these things is going to make your realize you are SO not alone in these things.

    We love our son and wouldn't do any thing differently, but my husband and I are both honest that sometimes we wish we had our old carefree life back. It isn't shameful, it is HONEST. We had a GOOD life. Staying home and getting vomited on is NOT as fullfilling as the world wants you to believe.

    The first thing I said to my son when he came out (and we have it on video)? "Who ARE you?" I don't feel like I truly LOVED him until a few months in when I knew him. I didn't have the blues, but my hubby did. It was a tough time, but our little guy got a lot of love and fantastic care and now were all thick as thieves.

    Cheers for sharing.

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    1. "Who ARE you?" & "We had a GOOD life" --> those made me laugh & nod emphatically b/c everything you wrote is SO true. Thx for sharing your story! I feel like not enough moms talk about this sort of thing, which is a shame. Moms who feel the baby blues need support & should know they're not alone!

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  5. What a beautifully honest post. I love this.

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  6. Thanks for your honesty. There are many things you wrote about that I can relate to. You are not alone!! :)

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  7. Love your blog and also love seeing Quinn. I think it is important for bloggers to add a dose of reality every now and then. Comparison can be painful if readers perceive perfection in the bloggers world.

    Keep on blogger there girl. You are appreciated!

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    1. Thx for the kind words & support, ladies!!!! =]

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  8. Your blog is really the only non-quilting blog I read regularly, and the only non-quilting blog I have on my blogroll. I love your humor, your sarcasm, your stellar design skills (except tell me again why you aren't using Coastal Villa paint anywhere??--just kidding), and today, your honesty.

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    1. I.LOVE.YOU. =] Thx so very much for being a loyal reader all these years. And for reminding me that I need to put Coastal Villa back in my life, ha!

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  9. Guilty of #3 as well, so I'm officially de-lurking and leaving a comment. I've enjoyed following your blog since I stumbled upon your basement bathroom reno posts. Thanks for being brave enough to share this post with us.

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    1. SO happy you came out to play! =] No worries, like I said, I'm a lurker w/ a capital L these days. Thx so much for your kind words & support!!!!

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  10. I don't have any kids (yet), but I admire your honesty and can only imagine how a HUGE change like that can affect your life. I adore your blog...thanks for sharing this part of your life!

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  11. We are so the same person....everything from #2 and #5...all me, too. xoxoxoxox
    I always want to reach out to new moms and make sure they're 'okay' bc I know the dark corner the mind can go, but I'm always afraid of scaring them, or worse, having them think I'm some kind of horrible person. I probably alluded to it with you a few times in my comments....like, 'how YOU doing?'

    Move to Texas and be my sister wife, please?

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    1. Just when I thought I couldn't possibly feel any more joy from all the supportive words, I read your comment. I heart you! I struggle w/ that too....do I share my experiences w/ expectant/new moms or do I tone it down so I don't scare the bejeezus outta them?? I feel like not enough moms talk about it & so those who DO experience the blues feel isolated. So I've been testing the waters w/ my mom friends lately!

      Thx so much for looking out for me, chica. Get the sister wife ceremony ready cause I'm packing my bags right now. I think I need a new dress though, none of mine say "sister wifely".

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  12. I just wanted to let you know that you are so not alone with the baby blues. My son is 14 months old and I also struggled with a bit of postpartum depression. I'll also be the first to admit that there are still times when I miss my old life. I love him more than anything, but sometimes it's rough. It's totally normal to feel that way. You aren't a mother unless you feel guilty about something!

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    1. Thx for sharing your story, Lauren!! Honestly, I still think about my "old" life too. It doesn't mean we love our babies any less, right? Just that we did have a GOOD life prior to them & who wouldn't want some of that back? It'll come back eventually for us! =] Like you said, as moms we never stop feeling guilty....or worrying.

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  13. i so admire your transparency. i wouldn't have guessed a lot of these things about you, but honestly, i can relate to a number of them.

    (oh, and also? i always find your wine jokes funny.)

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    1. Awww thx for the kind words, Kelly! I can always count on you for wine jokes support! We need to hang out in real life--I'll bring the crate of wine but will it be enough for us? =]

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  14. long-time lurker here - and new coloradoan! i love your blog and am never sick of the baby/decorating/wine posts. just keep on doing your thing :)

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  15. What an honest and open post. I love it! I get what you mean about having a newborn during the winter. Eli was born November 10. He had his six-week growth spurt (AKA HELL) over Christmas and then the days were just so dark and cold and yucky...it sucked. There were days I wanted to go out just to run errands or go for a little walk and it would be a snowstorm and we'd be stuck inside, which was not fun. It's amazing how the weather can alter your mood so much. Oh and your daily ensemble is a lot like mine! I wear a tank top and leggings 90% of the time and I throw on a cardigan and scarf if I have to go out and look decent :)

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    1. So glad I'm not alone in this! Thx so much for sharing your story & for the supportive words. I feel for you, we're currently going thru a growth spurt teething over here & it's rough.

      Ooh, will have to remember the cardi/scarf trick--chic! =]

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  16. Thanks for your honesty. I too had some sort of depression after my daughter was born and it was May, so not sure that time of year has anything to do with it, but I'm sure what had a lot to do with it was that I was sleep deprived and nursing and just those wacky postpartum hormones and not to mention that I was 29 and used to living my life the way I wanted, coming and going as I pleased. It was rough. What made it worse for me is I was with someone (the father) who could not even begin to understand my lack of appreciation for the new baby. He couldn't understand why I would even complain about her or the hard work a newborn entailed. Yeah, talk about awful. And looking back it still makes me sad that I couldn't just hold that little one and be happy in the moment. I wanted to be able to enjoy those days and I didn't. So you're not alone, but I'm glad you made it through.

    (also, I'm beginning to wonder if there's some correlation between type A personalities and postpartum depression, like maybe because we're such planners and with a newborn, planning to the T kinda goes out the window, so we internalize it as being sucky people. Hmm, who knows?)

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    1. Aw, bevy! ::big hug:: I think you hit the nail right on the head w/ your comment. I was 32 when I had Quinn & was so used to my really comfy life for so long which I think, IMO, made it harder to adjust to motherhood. I'm so sorry you didn't have the support from your SO during that time--I wish I could've been there for you!

      You are also SO onto something w/ your Type A personality theory. It hadn't crossed my mind but it makes so much sense. Somehow your theory makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone & wired weirdly. =]

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  17. Oh FC. I think you are brave and wonderful for being honest and open. Adjusting to becoming a parent is hard, isn't it?

    I heart you and your blog--strikethroughs and all. I don't come here to see how you "compare" to other bloggers or other mothers. I come here to see what YOU are up to. You are clever, talented, funny and warm. That's a pretty good combo, FC! SoI am sending you a squeezy hug--there!--to thank you for sharing.

    jbhat

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    1. Awww thx so much for the kind support, jb!! Further proof that I need to meet your fabulous self one of these days. Promise?

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  18. Aww, I've been checking your blog almost daily for the past few years, never leaving comments cause you don't know me...lurker from Saskatchewan, that's me! ;) But I had to leave my thoughts this time, because that your whole post sounded like it came right out of my mouth! The exhausted, unsure mom part...you totally learn everything on the fly, despite how prepared you think you will be from reading countless books on how to do it "properly". My husband worked away and I was alone with two babies and no support system. I would joke (but not really) about loving my son but not liking him because he screamed all the time! I also had to learn how to let things go, my sanity was more important than people's opinions. Anyway, my kids are 7 and 5 now and life is 'mostly' awesome. They go to school now and catch every germ going around, thus starting another vicious cycle of wondering if I'm doing something wrong, not good enough vitamins etc. HOWEVER, I wouldn't trade my life for anything, there is no feeling like holding a little fat, warm hand and hearing them whisper to you that they love you. They are so excited to make me little pictures, they have a hilarious (really) sense of humor and they think I'm perfect. haha! All the good stuff makes up for the bad stuff.
    As for your blog, don't change a thing! I love your style and your humor and your crossouts. (But how could I not, its all like mine!)
    Good luck with the balancing act of mommyhood!

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  19. Extremely honest and brave post! No judgement at all! These posts really do what they are intended to do- peel the layers back and make me see how much we all have in common.

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  20. You didn't scare me off! Just the opposite, actually---I've never liked you and your blog more. :)

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  21. Great post. So honest and it's clear you really ARE being honest! Three cheers and a bottle of wine for that! :)
    I feel the same way about a winter baby.. Evie was born at the end of November, and while I didn't have the baby blues (thankfully), I definitely felt stuck at home, cooped up and alone much of the time. And sister was not an easy baby. Needless to say, my number one criteria for future children is being born in ANY other season. Also? I'm always, always in my sweats/workout gear. It just seems pointless to do more. My husband looooves this. ;)

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  22. I think anyone that blogs probably has these same moments of sheer panic. It's so difficult to be put together all the time. We're bombarded every day, by our own free choosing, of perfect images of all aspects of life and that pressures us. Crap, my life isn't like that!

    It's refreshing to hear from time to time that no one is perfect. If there was a like button, I'd like this!

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  23. Thank you for your honesty. I read blogs because I like the people and I am thankful that you share your life with us. There's only so much you can share and it's your blog, do whatever you want. As my dad once told me there's always going to be someone who is better and worse than you. If you are happy with yourself then who cares what we (the readers) think. If we are true fans then we'll respect you and support you when you need us to. Keep your head up! And your family is adorable by the way!

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  24. Thanks for posting this. I'm going to read more about this challenge and perhaps will write my own! I love and appreciate your honest about bonding with Quinn. I cried ALL THE TIME after my son was born too. He's 4.5 months old now and I'm starting to feel like I can breathe again sometimes. I longed for the old normal and would feel so guilty for it! I completely understand that. And I'm estranged from my mom as well. I agree - it's what I need to do to be a healthy and independent adult, but I often feel guilty about that too. Thanks so much for sharing your heart!

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  25. Why oh why do more moms not speak up when they feel the way you did after Quinn, or the way I did after my son, Jack, was born. I had only ever been told how much I would love him and how I would feel this surge adoration. Well, it was crap. In my case, at least. I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and under-prepared for the HUGE life change. And I felt like a horrible person. Like maybe I was broken because I DIDN'T feel all of this stuff I was SUPPOSED to feel. And I was so proud to be nursing, but so resentful of the time it took. And bear in mind that my husband was beyond supportive. He did everything he knew to do to make me feel better, but how do you share the worst parts of yourself when they are so shameful? It was a dark spot for sure. Three years later I had my son, Max, and loved him from the start. I was more confident as a mother and, I don't know, just felt different.

    I just wanted to thank you for sharing. I feel like the more honest women are about sharing personal experiences, the more others can avoid feelings of inadequacy and isolation. Which I why I always share my own early motherhood experiences.

    Bee tee dub, I love your blog. I like the kid, the decor, the pup, the whole shebang. Keep doin' how you do.

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  26. Ahhh...this post is beautiful. You are beautiful. Thank you for sharing and keeping it real like you always do :). I imagine getting your thoughts in writing felt good & I'm so happy for you. Scared away?! Hardly...

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  27. I still love you to the freezer (for haagen daz) and back. I'd say "to the moon and back," but really what's the point of going to the moon, France has better cheese. Part of me hopes you don't get too famous, because I love how real you seem. You're normal and accessible (not in the creepy stalker way) which adds to your charm. On the other hand, I hope you get uber famous so you can redecorate your home on a whim all while keeping yourself in wine and fancy canapes. :)

    xoxo
    Em

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  28. Thanks for sharing and for being so real and honest. What a great post!

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  29. Two thumbs up for keeping it real FC! Your readers love you for you, I know I do!

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  30. Your blog is lovely and this post is lovely too.

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  31. I never comment on your blog, but have been reading for a long time! I too have a strained relationship with my dad and while we talk more than twice a year, it doesn't make the relationship any better, just more awkward. Thanks you for this post..I will try to comment more often!

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  32. I found your blog about a year ago, and while others come and go off my bookmarks menu, yours stays. I like your humor, sarcasm, and sincerity. I like your sense of design. Motherhood is hard, perhaps the hardest job you'll ever have, and for the most part thankless. It gets a lot easier in some ways (less isolating, more sleep) and harder in other ways, three year olds can be the worst! Anyhow, don't feel guilty for presenting a glossed over version of life, or being afraid to take the next blogging step. It's your blog, you're not bound to tell anyone anything. And, I think you're right for not jumping to the next level without any thought. I've stopped reading many blogs that have really just become walking advertisements, and not stopped reading the many that have made the jump tastefully and remained true to themselves. I think when you're ready, you'll be one of the latter. Furthermore, there's nothing wrong with yoga pants and tank tops, I've seen the pics, and you look great! Give yourself some slack. You're a new mom, every month that passes you'll feel a little more like your old self. And as far as critics go, at least people are reading. Remember, it's like trip advisor, no matter how many great reviews there are, there's always someone who has something to complain about. Good luck and have that glass of wine!

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  33. Scared us off?! No way, we love you more now!!!!

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  34. I have never had the pleasure of reading your blog before (I stumbled upon a link) but regarding your baby blues...I just want to tell you, you aren't alone. It's actually fairly common for a mom to have problems bonding with a newborn. But like you said, we are supposed to have "maternal instincts" and it's like the ultimate motherly sin and it's simply not talked about. Please don't be hard on yourself. It's not wrong, its not selfish. It will get better. :)

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  35. Aww, I feel badly I'm such a lurker! :-) Thanks for the honesty, no matter how challenging it might have been to share!! I always love reading your blog BECAUSE of how truly YOU it seems to be. A lot of other bloggers share a pristine version of themselves (or perhaps they really are goodie-goodies...and I feel guilty when I start to type a swear word into a post, then self-edit), but it's so very refreshing to see you incorporate things such as your love of wine, and taking risks with your gorgeous designs. Keep up the great work - and know that for every one negative comment, there are at least two dozen folks who don't speak up daily about how wonderful you are.

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  36. I'm a lurker. I've been following your blog, lurking, for a while now. I actually live in Denver too. I'm really not trying to scare you. :) Anyway, I had my first in August. It seems at times I'm still in the - I can't believe this beautiful, healthy girl is mine - state of mind. I had postpartum anxiety. Any horrible scenario you could imagine, I was vividly imagining it. It's nice to know we aren't alone. :)

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  37. Lurker here . . . you're comment about lurkers was just the shove I needed to leave a comment. Just so you know, I think you're perfect as you are. I completely envy your ability to put it all out there, it's completely refreshing, and if possible has made you even more endearing. Love your blog - keep at it. Love the baby posts, house posts, wine posts (makes me feel like I am not the only one), and definitely the sarcasm!! ~And I will try to be not so much a lurker, but an occasional commenter too :)

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  38. I lived in a nursing tank and yoga pants for all too long - funny to say I was sad to put those tanks away when nursing was over! You always make me smile and laugh - I LOVE your blog!

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  39. I love that you posted this. I mean I already have a huge crush on you, this has only elevated it to the next level. I identify with pretty much every thing you've got on here, except I'm crying in the shower because I hate feeling so 'not myself' and I wonder if I made a mistake getting pregnant...I know eventually I will be completely at peace with having a baby, and he will be the best thing ever. No matter what I have to go through.

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  40. This is so awesome. I love you and your blog and even though I don't actually know you, I like your even more know for having posted this. It's true, the way people present themselves on their blogs can make me feel a little unworthy at times, as much as I enjoy reading them! It's nice to have a reminder that we're all human:-) I love your home and your sense of humor and the fact that you like wine as much as I do.

    PS: Anyone who lives negative feedback on your blog that ISN'T constructive criticism is an a**hole. Why are they bothering to read and comment if they don't like it? Ugh.

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  41. Ditto so much on 6th and 7th point :) HUGS

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  42. Thank you....thank you thank you thank you for being open and honest. I know it's not easy to share these things, especially with the whole wide internet watching. but it's appreciated. we all have our sad days, skeletons, things we want to hide. but we need to know we're not alone.
    you're awesome. :)

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  43. This post was so awesome FC! I think you made all of us feel normal because we all think those things too. And no, you are not a horrible person. I had the same experience with my daughter and cried in the middle of the night the first few weeks for my old life back. It's an amazing adjustment and these things take time. I too suffered from baby blues with my little man too, I think I am slowly turning a corner but drift backwards at times.

    I waffle too between blog success and just blogging as a hobby. It's such a high feeling you are successful but when you do start feeling successful, the pressure is there then to stay that way. I barely have time to blog and keep beating myself up over it which is rediculous. I need to just let it go and come back when I am ready and have the time.

    Have a great Memorial Day weekend!

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  44. love this! i can relate to every single one, EXCEPT being a neat-freak. i'm super unorganized in that regard. but really, we're a lot alike. thanks for this!

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  45. FC- Your blog is awesome. I appreciate your humor and honesty! There are a lot of
    bloggers out there who paint the "my life is perfect in every way" picture. Thanks for
    keeping it real!
    Molly

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  46. Still think you and your blog are awesome. Thanks for sharing.

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  47. Another lurker coming out of the closet to tell you you're not alone - and it does get so much better! Mine are 21 & 24 and I still tear up remembering those tough first years... such joy and loss all at once! Thanks for putting yourself out there! xoxo P.S. I'm in Texas too - maybe Hi Sugarplum will share you with me?!?!

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  48. It's incredible how much I can relate to this post - bravo for being transparent and putting yourself out there... makes us all feel a little more normal!

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  49. It was so refreshing to read this post!!!! Thank you. :)

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  50. Wonderful post and very well written. Thanks for sharing!

    Meghann
    amethodtoourmadness.blogspot.com

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  51. If more new moms shared their postpartum experiences like you bravely did, other new moms wouldn't feel the same guilt you did for having those feelings. Thanks for sharing!

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  52. Oh FC...you have no idea how I needed this post. My baby boy, now 7 weeks old, is the light of my life but I am feeling quite down these days. I knew it would be hard but I had no idea just how hard it would be. He's not the most content baby on the block and colicky is his middle name. Thank God for my sweet husband because without him I would lose it. Thanks SO much for this post...love you, dear. xoxo

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  53. I always tell my preggo friends (when they ask me of course) that giving birth is easy - the 2 to 3 months after are the "hard" part. Hormones do some crazy things to new moms - trust me when I say you are not alone and I wish more moms would speak honestly about what happens after. Your honesty is so refreshing and I want to stalk you even more now. ;)

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  54. Bold, brave, and beautiful post... just like you, my amazing friend. Thank you for sharing this. xoxoxo

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  55. This must have been one of the tougher posts to publish--but good for you. I think some moms are finally expressing real emotions regarding childbirth and parenting, and one of the most helpful things in the world (at least to me, when I was going through it) was hearing that I was not alone.

    You are definitely not alone, although we are SO OVERDUE for our annual pedi/brunch date. Soon...?

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  56. Thank you so much for sharing your honesty! I have always loved this blog for your candor, sincerity, and sprinkles of humor. I appreciate that you own how you feel and what you say. It is not easy to admit es when we have a hard time accepting new roles even when they are incredible blessings. But it gets easier and even more amazing!

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  57. I am so far behind in my blog reading that I'm only reading this now. First, I'm one of your favourite bloggers? Seriously?? How honoured am I! I think you are a brilliant blogger - funny, endearing, honest - so I'm gonna take that compliment, thank you very much :)

    I love what you wrote. Each revelation so poignant and honest. I'll tell you that I've wondered about #1 - I think you're an undiscovered rockstar in the blogging world. Your writing has kept me hanging around here for the last four years. Time to unleash that on the rest of the unsuspecting blog readers ;)

    I TOTALLY related to all the thoughts on momhood. I didn't feel the blues with Chloe, but I did (and still feel) a bit of "loss" for my old life. Not that I would ever go back, but I do miss being unencumbered, being able to do and go where and when I want. Sending you big hugs FC. Thanks for keeping it real now and always. xo.

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  58. THANK YOU for your complete candidness, especially regarding your struggles bonding with your daughter post-partum. I applaud your honesty and I'm grateful to know that when I start a family and if I feel this way, I'm not a alone and a bad person. I've been reading your blog for a while now - even before I moved to Boulder (from MN) last summer. It's always inspiring. Maybe we'll bump into each other at Target someday...yoga pants and all.

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  59. I have been a lurker for a long time now and have never once commented...soo sorry :) But I had to commend you for this post. As a mother of a two and a half year old and a five month old I can relate. This was so refreshing to read, thank you.

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  60. Hey there! I've been reading your blog for a while but never commented, but I just want to say that I too had the most awful baby blues after my son was born. He is now 18 months old and I love him so much, just as a mother would. But I remember when they set him on my lap after giving birth I just looked at him and felt no emotion at all (and I felt so bad for that!). I did not bond with him for a while and also felt so guilty dreaming of my life before. The first year is hard, especially with the constant feedings AND NO SLEEP. I would dread going to bed, bc I would be up again in two hours. But now life is AMAZING with him. So hang in there...you're in for the best time of your life!

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  61. FC, I admire you even more. It takes a lot of courage to open yourself up to the blog world and you have done it so gracefully. You are truly one of a kind: kind, honest and humble. I have read tons and tone of blogs and I can say you have one of the best blogs out there in the blogosphere. You've earned all the attention, praise and success so don't let haters detract you from it.

    P.S. I can't wait to see more photos of Quinn. She just gets cuter and cuter.

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  62. Much admiration for this post. It makes all us bloggers to feel more connected to put some personal stuff out there. Thanks you for sharing. I’m your newest follower!

    xoxo
    holly foxen wells
    www.threelayercake.blogspot.com

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  63. I love popping in here and reading what you have to say....and I am guilty of not always leaving comments too. Your post is so true and I'm sure most of us can relate. Our baby is six now and is the love of my life but I will always remember sitting in the kitchen after being home for just a few days, I asked my husband when she was going home. It just came out of my mouth like a crazy person. I felt so bad for my husband...he looked pretty scared lol.

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  64. I've had people in public comment that we look like amazing parents. I've had people from church tell me that they can just tell we're going to have more because we seem to love parenting so much. In reality? I got lucky and didn't have any baby blues (maybe I was too stressed with the emergency hospital stays to have it), but I did have many moments where I had to call my husband and say, "You need to come home or I'm going to walk up the street to the hospital and leave her." When I tell people that they tend to look at me sort of horrified/surprised, but it's the truth and people need to hear things aren't always rainbows and sunshine. That I several times told G I was a horrible mother, I felt poorly equipped and didn't want to be selfless and that I wanted to just leave the 2 of them and start over. You are not alone in feeling overwhelmed, which isn't to say you shouldn't be or discredit it. Just wanted you to know that I've been there. I love E fiercely but I've had days I wanted to hand her off to anyone who I thought might be better equipped than me.

    And the point about your father made me tear up. I'm the opposite, I really am a daddy's girl (though as I get older I seem him less as infallible). However, my mother and I spent 2 months this winter not speaking. I felt like she didn't give a shit about me or my daughter and I'd had enough. It was compounded by my feelings for Nora and how much I loved her in comparison to feeling (quite rightly) that my mom simply hadn't wanted to be a mother when I was young (though they had to try hard for me, go figure), and that she resented me. We talk, but it's like an obligation more often than not.

    I love your blog. You made me see that not all home renovators have all this money to go haywire with, and that doing a lot of it yourself is possible. Don't change, because you're fantastic just as you are.

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  65. #1 I totally get. I get it because I don't deny hoping that one day BlogHer will consider me a worthy blog. I also get jealous when I see people with 200+ followers, because I haven't even broken 100 yet. Its frustrating knowing that if I was pregnant, I'd probably see a lot more followers but that isn't in my cards. For a lot of reasons.

    Anyway, go you for being honest and I just found your blog but I really like it!

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  66. I LOVE your brutal honesty, so refreshing and your relationship with your dad makes me feel so much better, as I have just the same relationship with my father. Thank you!

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  67. Well can I tell you how many things about this post are me too! I really think that having a winter baby does have an affect on your mood. I used to totally loose it when the sun went down too. It was like it was going to be the longest night of torture, not knowing if this kid was going to sleep. I had bonding issues too. Some people waltz right into parenthood looking like a pro... not me. =) And when you talked about your dad... me too! I don't speak to either one of my parents. Which means not help or gram or grampa for my kiddos either. That is for the best thought. I look at it like we are starting a new generation of thinking. New traditions and blessing that will be passed from our children down to their children. What a blessing to not be in bondage to my parents and their thinking. It was a hard decision though. One that took me up until this last year to make. To step away and be my own person. Putting my family first.

    Hugs to you friend! Will always love your blog and your fun self!

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  68. I love your honesty and share a lot of the same feelings. Just know that I always love seeing Quinn, I always love what you choose for your home...I just love you for being you. :)

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  69. I'm a bit late to this party, but I just wanted to give you a big virtual hug, and say that I was 100% with you during my first month of motherhood. It was SO, so very hard. I didn't even want to hold the boys for awhile there, which was the most horrible feeling ever. PPD is no joke, that's for sure. If it makes you feel any better, you can read my post about it here: http://mandyford.blogspot.com/2011/07/welcome-to-motherhoodpart-2.html

    It sounds like you are doing much better now, and she is such a doll! Hugs to you!

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  70. Wow, your honesty is so refreshing. We are all right there with you, no matter what the particulars are. Nobody is perfect! And if they say they are... well, they can suck it ; ) Thanks for being so honest!

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  71. What is great about your generation and my children's is that you are willing to share more and in doing so help others that may think they are alone in what is happening to them; I too had a very rough time after my daughter and especially when my son was born, and only wish I had known all about PPD then... and as for your outfits :) well I am 50+ and wear some sort of yoga outfit every day, I am always afraid my kids are going to report me to the show "What not to Wear" it would look as if I only owned one set of yoga pants and tshirts (I just happened to have a huge selection of the same) and as I work from home full-time it is just convenient.
    ♥ Noemi
    Fashion: Classy N Glamorous
    Travel: Across The Sea

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  72. Love your blog! I have been lost in it for a couple hours reading your posts. I so enjoy your honesty, humor, decorating style and seeing photos of you and your beautiful family. Thank you for sharing it!

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    1. Thank so much for taking the time to drop by, Beth!! Your kind words made my day (possibly my whole week ;-) I appreciate you reading my ramblings more than I can adequately express!
      Happy weekend!
      xoxo

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~Freckles Chick~