Things I'm Afraid To Tell You

I believe it all started with this insightful post by Jess of Make Under My Life.  Things I'm Afraid To Tell You.  This challenge has sprouted wings & taken off in the blogosphere.  There is something so freeing & comforting in reading these 'truths & fears' revealed by bloggers, most of whom I've admired for so long.  Now I just admire them that much more!

One of my favorite bloggers, Jennifer from Rambling Renovators said it best in this post:
      "It's all a well-curated version of reality, isn't it? This blogging thing?  Blogs have a way of inspiring you - but in the same breath, they can make you feel less worthy. That your life is less glamourous, less beautiful, less perfect than those you see through the lens of your screen. I know I'm guilty of it - showing you the perfectly styled bedroom - without showing you the (constant) mess I have in my drawers or the (constant) pile of laundry waiting to be put away in the corner."  

So perfectly & eloquently said.
And here I go:

1.  I get overwhelmed by blogging.  I waffle between craving blog fame & keeping this little blog humble.  I've been intermittently approached by vendors to take my blog to the next level, but I shyly turn most of them down.  Perhaps it's a fear of failure witnessed by the entire blog world or losing what little anonymity I have left?  As I watch a lot of my best blog buddies reach new, famed heights in their blogging,  I am elated (I know that blogger! She/he's famous!) but there's always that whiny, high-pitched voice that creeps in--the melancholy one that wonders of missed opportunities & worries my blog is never quite good enough.  In the spirit of total honesty, that voice is often tinged with envy.

2.  I had the baby blues.....severely.  I know I try to keep things light & funny around here.  After all, there are so many people out there who have it much worse than me.  I am an "emotions-bottle-upper".  Yes, I can whip out sarcasm like nobody's business but I am primarily an optimistic, positive, sunny person (albeit Type A to the core--see #6).
  I had a wonderful pregnancy, enjoyed every minute, & knew I was blessed beyond measure.  After Quinn was born, all those feel-good emotions & hormones plummeted.  Exhaustion aside, just the thought of yet another diaper change, feeding, soothing session, etc. was so overwhelming that there were days where my memory failed me.  I'm so ashamed to say this but I had fleeting thoughts of wanting my "old" life back.  How absolutely awful does that sound?  Horrible, I know, especially to those who would've gladly traded with me in a heartbeat (if you're rolling your eyes at me for this, I don't blame you & am prepared for the fallout of this post).
 After Mr. FC's paternity leave was up & every time the sun went down, I bawled my eyes out......there were times I'd cry in the shower just so my poor Hubs (who was a saint thru it all) couldn't see me.  I don't know if having a newborn in the winter months (when the days are so much shorter & gloomier, even here in 320+ sunny days Colorado) had any effect on my baby blues, but it was a long time before I could shake them. Edited to add: I think my breastfeeding difficulties also factored heavily into my baby blues.
  I had difficulty bonding with my daughter in the first month & I detested myself for it.  I thought it was the ultimate motherly sin.  I now look back on that time with regret that I wasn't truly present & savoring this beautiful, healthy baby girl we were blessed with.  Obviously, I've grown to embrace our "new normal" & can't imagine life without Quinn now--I love her more than my own life.  But I'd be remiss to say that it was all smooth sailing.  Note: I don't want to scare any expectant moms out there--this was just my experience & it's not at all indicative of how post-partum experiences are.

3. I'm guilty of lurking on blogs a lot these days--I've probably lurked on yours.  =]  I used to carve out time each day to comment on other people's blogs because I think it's rude to not do so when so many of you take the time to visit my tiny corner of the world.  But in my delirium these days, I've been slacking & breaking my own blog etiquette rules.....I sorta hate myself for it!!

4. I'm always nervous before hitting that Publish button on every post I've written.  There are many kind people out there, but I've gotten my fair share of negative feedback too (not just constructive criticism either).  I overthink everything & my blog posts are no different: Am I being humble enough? Too self-deprecating?  Do I really think anyone cares what I did last weekend? Are they sick of seeing my baby? Are they rolling their eyes at our decor choices? At my humor? Or my wine jokes & abundant strikethroughs?  I know, I's my blog & I can decide on the content but, I've always had this innate desire to please people.

5. I have a strained relationship with my dad (it's been like that pretty much my whole life).  We just don't get along.  We probably talk twice a year.  I've tried but when I always have to be the reasonable, grown-up person in our relationship, it's exhausting.  But the dynamics of why we butt heads is far more complex than that.  Life has not been kind to my dad & that misfortune has made him bitter, cruel & resentful.  I decided a long time ago that I (as well as my self-esteem) am happier if our interaction is minimal.  So suffice it to say when I see the adoration my husband has for our daughter & that she's daddy's little girl, my heart just hurts with happiness.

6. Being a Type A/neat freak/control freak/planner/list-maker, I've had to learn to let go ever since I became a mom.  Who knew one has to learn such a thing?!  Ridiculous.  When Quinn was 1 month old, our friend Jake said something that will always stick with us: "As a parent, things are no longer black & need to learn to live in the grey."  So true.

7. I wear yoga pants & a nursing tank 90% of the time (yes, I do leave the house most days but there are no wardrobe changes).  I'd love to blame this on my being a SAHM who also works part-time from home but.....I know SAHMs who look like they belong on the cover of VOGUE so I have no excuse. HA!

Have I lost you?  Scared you off? I think I've scared myself.  =]
This much is for sure: I feel a little lighter for having put all this out there.  
And for that, I thank you all for reading & "listening".